Welcome back to BASKETBALLWEATHER. Before we get to our scheduled programming today, I wanted to let everyone know that my new short story “John” has just been published in Hunger Mountain Review. If you’re in the mood for a Charlie Kaufman-esque short story about masculinity (and sex) that features cyborgs, fly on over here.
And now on to the show…
Doc Rivers is the Apple Vision Pro of NBA coaches. Here’s what I mean. Apple has released a very sexy new product. I’m not
sure I’m the intended audience for these goggles or screens, eyes-with-whatever-they-are because I genuinely, in fact, have no clue what they are. But what I’ve heard from people who do know what they are is that they are a pretty cool vision-device that, as KOC from the Mismatch put it “feels like a technology from the future made with engineering materials of today. “
At $3,500 it’s not cheap though. That’s a price point that’s far out of range for those of us who can’t fly Business Class — even the most avid Apple fans like my old friends from high school and my other old friend Rudy who goes into debt to buy all the new Apple products, can’t afford that.
It’s a safe number, $3,500, by the way, for Apple.
A price they can test at, so if it fails — so they’ve pissed off a few rich people — big deal. Piss off the herd though and then they could get into some real trouble, mama.
None of this is to say or even assume that Vision Pro is a weak product. I mean, I hope it’s as wonderful as Apple wants it to be, that it revolutionizes our lives once again, and that we’re all walking around with big goggles on our heads in the near future like Republican men at the beach do with those suck-up-the-treasure from the sand machines they love.
Personally, I’m excited to look like a character from Back to the Future.
But it’s possible the Vision Pro fails, just like it’s possible that Doc Rivers, now coach of the Milwaukee Bucks, fails (/ has already failed?).
Like Apple, Doc Rivers has a great reputation.
He’s the kind of coach you can call in during the middle of the season if you’re current coach isn’t gelling with the team, and feel reasonably confident that he isn’t going to burn the locker room down, and destroy whatever goodwill you’ve built up with your best player.
Doc is an accurate, safe bet in the way that the Apple Vision Pro is a safe, accurate bet to Apple at its $3,500 price point.
Let me explain, if the product goes to hell, you can at least look at your team, and say, “Giannis, we did everything we could to make it work. We gave you the players you wanted, and the best coach who was available, even if that meant firing the first guy who you also had a crush on.”
But here’s the thing. (No longer addressing Giannis)
Thus far, this Doc Rivers hiring, what has it really outlined expect for Doc’s sterling reputation in the NBA? After losing five of the first six games for a 16.6% record, what has it shown except for the depressing, filthy, and unsurprising staying power of the establishment.
Because Doc Rivers, yeah, he’s a “celebrity coach,” but outside of his name has he really accomplished all that much since he coached the hell out of the Lou Williams Clippers? And even that time was more of a cute story than a Success Story.
His time in Philly was a flunk, you don’t have to go that far into the worm hole that is Philly sports podcasting to learn that. Doc is an accomplished politician, precisely the guy you call in to save your ass when the ship is sinking so that when the Titanic goes down you don’t look like those tomato-faced piano players.
Btw, did you know there’s another Titanic movie just as good out there, if not better than the James Cameron one? Check it out.
So does Apple have a winner on its hand? How do I know? Only time will tell. But if this $3,500 price point provides any hint, it’s that Apple isn’t quite sure if it has a winner or a total loser.
If they were they wouldn’t have set the $3,500-Doc Rivers of prices for their new fancy vision gadget. They would’ve been a bit more generous — allowed for the rest of us who take the bus to try it out first.
But, just like the Milwaukee Bucks who lost their will and didn’t want to risk a public failure with a rookie head coach, Apple did the easy thing, at least from a PR standpoint, and released a product that was fail proof from the beginning.
Why? Because, if you’re Apple, it’s impossible to piss off rich people. They love you like they love birthday parties for their kids. And if you’re the Milwaukee Bucks C-suite, you can’t piss off Giannis when he’s being coached by someone as blue-chip as Doc Rivers. Aka, you’re safe no matter how big you fail.
One more thing, because the aforementioned Adrian Griffin was supposed to coach the East All Stars during the All Star Game; and he is no longer coaching anything anywhere (just collecting paper!) Doc who has coached the Bucks for all of a fortnight is now coaching the All Star Game in (gasp!) Indiana.
Sure, life isn’t fair. But this is a deeply unfair and salty situation that the NBA should have rectified before it happened as there are plenty of other deserving young coaches (not yet fired) who could and should be coaching over Doc, as Doc himself has said.
I’m sure it’s also gotta add some vinegar to Adrian Griffin’s already fragile psyche. I mean, what did the poor guy do except win?
The only reason Doc gets to do this is because the Bucks and their supposedly shitty coach had the best record in the NBA when it came time to vote for the All Star Team. (That’s the way it works: Best record =All Star Coach)!!!
That means had Adrian Griffin coached the Bucks for another month he would’ve been coaching the All Star Game in Indiana, Adrian Griffin, not the 1-5 Doc Rivers. This is nothing more than a spineless face-saving operation by the Bucks, crystallized all the more by the political correctness of their hire. (Nothing personal, Doc.)
But it seems the Bucks, like Apple, are okay with the status quo. By elevating a known quantity to coach its poorly constructed team rather than facing the music, both organizations do only one thing: Protect the people at the top (in their Zegna suits) from public failure.
Adrian Griffin is the fall guy for the Bucks. I wonder who the fall guy is for Apple?
Thanks for reading BASKETBALLWEATHER. If what you read here has spurred something in you, you can help more of these get made (& grow the community) by grabbing me a coffee.
❤️ and cappuccinos
- BBW
I love this comparison. I do hope that the Bucks can find a bit more success mainly cause I love Dame, but after today's lost to Miami, it seems like this apple vision pro is turning into a horrendous free trial that needs a cancellation.